blanched
tottori, japan, november 2009
i wish i knew what to say to you, instead of bleaching the colour out of a photograph, and use that as an analogy for all those things we could be but are not, because i am afraid – afraid to say it, afraid to think about it, afraid to want it, afraid you will say no, afraid that there is no end if it is a free fall.
i wish i knew what to do, instead of typing long sentences that don’t go anywhere. i wish i could be right next to you now, instead of just saying rather uninspiredly how inconvenient rain can be. i think of how you see a expressionless face that is the result of too complex a mind, instead of the usual person i am. i wish all the words i can bring myself to say could be out in the open, and then remember there are so many words and i don’t know what i can bring myself to say.
so, i strip off colour and run into monotone. because at this moment, there is nothing to say, really, except, i am a fool for you, and i don’t know why, and i don’t want to be, and all i want is to return to that day, right before i realized i was in love with you or the concept of being in love with you.
i shall lie in colourless wait, but not for this to turn into colour (because that is technically difficult). i lie in wait for the day i stop thinking of you, every damned day.
(om2n with velvia film, converted to black & white)
